Stupid is as stupid blogs.

Cock and bull stories...

2008-10-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

Bruce Cockburn is a wonderful Canadian singer/songwriter despite the fact that the poor guy has a herpes symptom for a last name (I wonder what the etymology is for that one).

We had a teacher in middle school with the surname Sandercock. Of course he was referred to as Graveldink and Pebbleprick. Poor guy. I always felt bad for classmates with 'cock' in their name. That's hard, but I guess they develop some balls from the teasing.

Man food!

2008-10-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

If a cannibal ever invites you over for weiners and beans, don't go.

Corny!

2008-10-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that if you had a dinner of fresh corn, that would be a 'cob supper' and those together are almost a bad word.

Inflators of Mars.

2008-10-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

I realize that greed is the reason for this global economic crisis, but does that mean we should put aside the long held dream of sending our brave spacemen in rocketships to the planet Mars, upholding the human spirit in all its courage and seeking to fill that need within all of us to explore and gain knowledge about the solar system and beyond?

There's water on Mars and the @#$%ing stuff should be bottled and sold!

Yeeeah, boyeeee.

2008-10-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me who was 'the one' who had changed my life and I said my mum I guess, she changed my diapers when I was a little baby.

Well, there was her and the rival gang member I killed to death in the huge bloody brawl our two groups had down behind the Walmart. If he hadn't have died from his face stabbing, I wouldn't have gone to prison and ended up being so bored that I went into the prison library and picked up that issue of Archie, where he accidentally makes a date with Veronica on the same evening he promised to go out with Betty and has to get Jughead to help him by posing as a super-rich tycoon who has a fancy for Veronica, giving Archie time to run back and forth between restaurants so he can keep both dates and not anger the girls.

That was a fun issue!

Hook!

2008-10-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

popped down to Blockbuster Video and asked the clerk for Hook, you know the Spielberg film about Peter Pan?

Anyway, he gave me Hook but it wasn't the Peter Pan film at all. It was a really sad May to December love story about this married but lonely fly fisherman who makes a living tying incredible flies. One day at a sport fishing show where he has a booth to sell his flies a twenty something goth girl with multiple piercings walks up and they start chatting. Well, he ends up involved with this girl and she pulls him into the strange world of body piercing. He ends up covering himself in flies! Totally weird!
It gets even weirder, he sort of goes overboard with the whole thing and ends up spiraling into body modification. He actually ends up replacing his arms for rainbow trout fins and has a trout tail attached to his rear end!
Finally he goes to this twisted underground clinic where they give him gills and he ends up trying to live with the trout in his favourite river that he fished as a child.

In the end his wife takes the rod his grandfather had given him and with a fly he had tied for her on their 20th wedding anniversary, she goes down to the river, catches him and pulls him back to sanity.

That part made me cry...it looked SO painful!

Plowman's lunch!

2008-10-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

My 26th speeding ticket was the most expensive.

Personally, I think it was because the policeman was angry at having to push through the rubble of the restaraunt I'd plowed into.

Repairs of the heart.

2008-10-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach but I would chose a full sternotomy.

Pie!

2008-10-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine loves blackberry pie, so I thought it would be fun to bake one for her, even though I've never baked a pie in my life! Well, the recipe called for 4 cups of blackberries which ended up costing me $1200.00! The pie was total crap, so I took it to the electronics store and demanded my money back!

Get Shorty!

2008-10-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen the film Get Shorty!?

I was quite exited to go see it, thinking it was a film about my mother. It turns out it was about someone totally different. When I went home and told my mum about it she got upset.
"Don't blame me," I said, "It was the producers of the film who were making fun of you!"

Bushed!

2008-10-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

The other day I went for coffee with a friend and while we were having a chat I told her how I needed more concrete direction in my life so she directed me to a helpful passage in the Bible.

So I go home and read the passage and decide right there and then to take action, so I go to my parents' backyard where they have lots of shrubbery and set fire to one of the bushes. Well, I'm waiting and waiting and I'm hearing nothing...nada.

I'll say too, it's not like I'm an impatient person, I mean, I'm watching as this plant is burning to the point where even the other shrubs are catching on fire and even the fence behind them is ablaze as well. Now as I'm trying to get some kind of direction, my dad comes running out yelling and my mum is bawling her eyes out behind him and I'm realizing that I've been taken for a fool again by her.

Well, never again.

The next time she tells me to listen to flaming, talking shrubbery or fruity snakes, I'm going to tell her that she's eating her toast, butter side down!

Spider, man!

2008-10-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget the first time I was shrunk down to the size of an ant by my grandpa's shrinking ray. I was so excited to explore the world and all its miniature wonders! Then that giant spider showed up.

What a prick.

Mooning

2008-10-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

I was so excited when NASA decided to go to the moon!

The thought of seeing all that otherworldly, spiky-mountainous terrain and coming into contact with the different creatures that lived under the surface and all those moon villains with there bases to launch attacks on Earth from and best of all, those beautiful, love starved moon maidens...it was a dream come true!

Then they landed.

West side horror.

2008-10-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

Many historians have commented on how terrible Vlad the Impaler was, but very few mention his much more evil son, Brad the Impalar.

He didn't mercifully stick people up on sharp poles to ruin their health, he drove over them with his cherry red Chevy Impala crunching a skid mark of human stew all across Transylvania.

His favourite pastime was to grab some McGolash from the drive-thru and then go run down the werewolf people. He was ignorant and sick in the head.

The last straw was when he ran over a kind old werewolf bitch, right in the middle of town in broad moonlight. The local chapter of the Hell's Frankensteins caught wind of it which caused their neck bolts to spin with anger. They all got real drunk and stomped into town, picking up big rocks and sticks along the way.

In town, Brad was doing doughnuts around the fountain in the Little Cairo section of town, driving the mummy folk bonkers, when the Frankenstein monsters showed up.

They didn't know how to talk properly but what gibberish they did say, conveyed their anger and they charged Brad in his Impala. The towns people never forgot the battle and the sounds of crunching metal and bone and the hissing of air leaving tire. It was the mother of all street fights and it was the end of Brad's reign of terror. The creature from the black lagoon said it perfectly when he appeared from the fountain,

"Glub, gargle glug glug gug!"

Low tide? YUCK!

2008-10-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out why fish are smelly and it's because they poop in their bath water. That's a very silly thing to do, especially if you live in your bath like they do. Unfortunately, it's not just fish but all the other marine life that live in the Atlantic, Pacific and the rest of the world's baths, fill it with their poop as well!

I have a plan to supply every living sea creature with a diaper to stem the stinky tide of marine turdiness.

Please show your support for 'No Chinook's Smelly Behind'!

Horroscope.

2008-10-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Here was my horoscope for today...

Dean, today is looking up for you! Your arch enemy, Eddie Codplaster, will be badly killed by a bullet entering his right ventricle at a speed of 1100 feet per second in a violent gunfight accident he will have with his fellow postal workers on the corner of First and Maple, at around 2:30ish.

2:30ish?! They're always so vague!

Red state!

2008-10-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

I think the anti-christ movement uses a very misleading term, pro-satan would be more accurate.

Great Canadian Beaver!

2008-10-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

In my lifelong study of the Canadian Beaver, I have found that they exist on an exclusive diet of tree meat, which I was surprised to discover, since I had always thought of them as strict vegetarians.

Frankly speaking...

2008-10-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

Frank would be the proper term to describe the discussion I had with an EX-friend of mine last month.

It was strange though, I was talking about our mutual friend Frank, while my friend was talking about Clovis I, 'King of the Franks'. When he mentioned King of the Franks, I thought he was talking about my Uncle Frank, who is the best at the BBQ, bar none. He replied that he had heard that Frank Bainimarama was supposed to be quite good at grillin' too but I thought he was mentioning Bananarma and I said I only liked one of their songs, that 'Venus' one, and even then only for dancing in the club. He thought I was talking about Barack Obama and said he thought he looked like a nice guy. I thought he had said Osama and was surprised that he thought he was a nice guy and replied that I thought he was the exact opposite of someone like the Dalai Lama but he thought that I was comparing Obama to a domestic Llama and started to get angry, and said a slur about my mama, so I gave him the inverted comma!

Needless to say, we had a falling out and don't listen to each other anymore.

Test!

2008-10-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first realized that not all teachers are smart.

It was when I got my test back in history class. One of the questions was about the height of the Roman Empire. I admit I had to guess and I wrote down 14 feet. In violent, red pencil, Mr. Lipschitz had written AD 117. I did and came up with 131.

There's absolutely no way it was that tall, what an idiot!

Humin bings, ya say?

2008-10-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Any one who knows me well, knows that I've held a philosophy in regards to life and human existence in particular that I feel rings true regardless of one's geographic location or position in life. I've spent many years studying all the various aspects of human existence since man's beginnings and have found many truths that cross all boundaries, cultures and personal experiences. One of those things is humour. I've found in practically every culture on earth the ability to laugh, save those caught in the middle of tragic, accidental falls from extreme heights. Fortunately, these people are few and far between and we do as a society have the ability, when we chose, to shut them off, so to speak. One of the other truths is that all human beings, in whatever culture they come from, sustain their existence through diet, whether that be the consumption of rice, bread, meat or in some cases of adolescents, flavoured chewing gum. One of the other peculiarities that I have discovered in my study of mankind are the aspects of his physical nature that set him apart from vegetation. One of those things being colour. Plant life is consistently green in colour, while human beings take on that hue during times of great motion sickness. Probably the most unusual characteristic of the human race, that sets it apart from most other life on earth is its ability to sustain interest in the viewing of reality television programmes, although this is a trait reserved for the most unintelligent of the species. It has been proven by much research that chimpanzees and humans differ in DNA by only one percent, but the differences in T&A are somewhat obvious, even to the everyday, obsessive observer. As stated at the beginning of this post, I wrote that any person who knows me would know my philosophy in regards to life and that is simply put for the understanding of reality television viewer, that life is a measurement consisting of differing lengths of chronological units based on individual factors adherent to each particular being in which experiences are configured by particular events relating to geographical positioning and culture on a personal, societal and global level as pertains to each individual.

Gone in 42 seconds!

2008-10-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

The other day someone asked me how I'd spend my time, if I found out I only had 42 seconds to live.

The first thought that came to mind, would be to brush my teeth but then I thought how silly that would be. Then I realized I'd like to hold my daughter. But then the thought occurred to me that if I was being told that I had 42 seconds left to live, it would probably be in the doctor's office. That obviously wouldn't give me enough time to run home to hold her, let alone brush my teeth.

So then I was thinking, what if my doctor could tell me over the phone? Would he be uncomfortable doing that? I think if he knew that I would want to be holding my daughter, I think he wouldn't mind.

Then I thought, if I'm at home why not kill two birds with one stone? I could hold Holly and brush my teeth at the same time, no problem!
Then it flashed in my mind - what if he calls me on my cell and I'm doing 120 on the highway in the fast lane, with not enough time to pull off the road?!

Even worse, what if Holly's in the back seat at the time?

Even much worse, what if we're on our way to have a treat at the Dairy Queen?!

She would be so upset to miss her ice cream!

AARRGGHHH!!!!

2008-10-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

The other day my doctor commented that I should see a psychotherapist.

Well, I'm not stupid and I know exactly what that means in health care speak! That's derogatory, offensive and it made me livid!!

I've NEVER in my whole LIFE, been called a PSYCHO and to be honest, I found myself almost S@#$TING WHERE I SAT!!! I WAS SO MAD!!!!!

I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF AND FLEW INTO A @*$%#@ING RAGE!!!!!!

I TORE THE PLACE APART AND AFTER RIPPING ALL MY CLOTHES OFF, I RAN FULLY NUDE ALL THE WAY TO MY AFTERNOON ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Commandments!

2008-09-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first watched the ten commandments.

After it was over I felt all jazzed about what I could do to motivate people and goodness knows, my group of friends sure needed it! Well, that night I decided to get down my ten commandments while they were still fresh in my mind. I knew that it would take too long to burn them with hot lightning into stone like in the movie, so I decided I would burn them into some cedar with my old wood burning kit (And I liked the western look to it, very Christian!) It didn't take long to get them down and I went to bed that night excited about showing them to my friends at coffee the next day.

I thought I should look as morally upstanding as I could for the presentation, so I picked out a nice tie and a pair of wool pants from my closet. I put the cedar boards inside my backpack and biked down to meet my friends at the coffee shop, they were all there.

When I walked in holding the boards, they all started laughing, which made me realize just how much they needed my commandments! I held them up like the old man did in the movie and began shouting them out.

1: I am the Gord your bod! (That one was for my girlfriend, Amy)

2: Don't have any other guys before me! (This was for my next girlfriend)

3: You shan't get yourself on Idol! (Hate that show, and besides, none of my friends can sing.)

4: You shall not put the needle to the vein! (Anti-drug)

5: Remember to sunbath, I'll spread it slowly. Oh yeah. (Best thing in summer is putting the lotion on my girl.)

6: Borrow from your Father and Mother! (Nuff said)

7: Thou shall not hurt her! (Mike's been a bit of a dick to Chelsea lately.)

8: You shall commit clownery! (Sean always makes school worth going to.)

9: YOU SHALL NOT STEAL MY FRIES, ASSHOLE! (Chad knew who that was for.)

10: You shan't covet my babe's ass! (I needed to carpet bomb with that one, Amy's hot.)

Well, after my presentation I was expecting a group of kneeling friends but instead I found myself backing up from a bunch of pissed mates. I knew I had to display some show of my power too keep them back, but unfortunately no rain of fire here.

Instead I flicked lit matches at them.

Next thing I know, I hear the crack of cedar board and feel the sharp pain of it to my head.

One thing I learned from all this, was that the next time I hear Moses bitch about having to get his people going, I'm putting my foot through the @#$%ing TV!

National security!

2008-09-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

(God is approached by a very troubled Eve)

Eve: Mr. President, we have a serious national security issue!

God: Yeah?

Eve: It's my husband's flatulence.

God: A fart is a national security issue?

Eve: We're not talking fart, we're talking Adam bomb!

The Fabulous Grococks!

2008-09-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

Mankind has used a variety of soaps and other things for cleaning hair but one couple made a real difference. Their names were Dick and Fanny Grocock.

Dick Grocock had met, whom he thought, was the absolute perfect woman in Fanny Pounder. She was everything he wanted but the only problem was, she liked hair. Well, Dick made the decision to get a hair transplant and found the best professional for the job in Dr. Butkus.

In his clinic Dr. Butkus did his best to find suitable hairs from Dick's body to transplant onto his head but eventually they were running out of spots. They took hair from almost every part of Dick's body, the back of his head and his chest, his arms and legs, even the tops of his toes, but still it wasn't enough. They had one last option.

Farm his ass.

Dick told Butkus that he was extremely nervous about using butt hairs on his scalp but Dr. Butkus calmed his fears with an injection.

Once Dick woke up and saw the results he was happy as a clam, sure there was a slightly bumcheesey smell, but a good scrubbing in the shower would take care of that. He ran home and didn't hesitate to jump in the shower. He scrubbed and scrubbed with his favourite soap and after he was done his full head of hair was all nice and clean, ready for the big night!

Shortly before dinner there was a knock on the door, Fanny had arrived. Dick had cooked up succulent pork loin with some mouth-watering leeks on the side. There was soft candle light and music setting the mood for what was to come.

After they had eaten, they retired to the sofa in front of the fire and sipped their wine as they gazed into each other's eyes. Putting his glass down on the coffee table, Dick gently leaned close, kissing Fanny on the cheek. Fanny ran her fingers through Dick's new hair...then stopped.

Something felt odd to her.

She noticed a funny smell and looked at her hand. It was covered in poop!

Dick was horrified, he screamed at the sight and felt his hair, his hands were soiled too! He began to cry, his dreams of a life with the woman of his dreams was gone. He had to explain everything to Fanny, and he did, after they washed their hands.

To his astonishment, Fanny was completely understanding about the whole affair and gave him a reassuring smile, she understood his situation and calmed his fears. She told him all about her lip transplant.

They decided to work together to find a solution to his problem and devoted the rest of their lives to that search. The world owes much to these two pioneers and their miracle product of shampoo.

Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Grocock!

She who must not be named!

2008-09-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

The other day, my dad said he saw a Red-Throated Nuthatch. Of course, I thought he was talking about my ex-girlfriend Trixie but it turned out that he was talking about some kind of bird.

I hate when he embarrasses himself like that!

Four thumbs up!

2008-09-25T12:30:00.001-07:00

Has anyone ever seen the film Mileage of the Rams?

It's a very touching love story between a salesman at a Dodge dealership and a poor but beautiful girl who washes vehicles there. I have to say some of it is pretty predictable like the sleazy rival salesman and the love making in the box of the Ram 3500 Mega Cab. Despite being in the back of a truck it could've turned out beautifully if it wasn't for the leading man mentioning the Cummins diesel , that kind of cheapened the entire scene for me.

Still, if you like love stories or even the sound of a rising Cummins diesel then this movie's for you.

Ribbed!

2008-09-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

Eve : Adam, be honest...there were others before me weren't there.

Adam : What, you mean my other 23 ribs?

Toes!

2008-09-24T02:18:00.000-07:00

I realized last night that although I brush my teeth at least twice a day I've never brushed my toes.

Come to think of it, in all the years that I've gone to my dentist not once has he checked my toes or even asked how they were doing and I know damn well that there are some cavities there, I can see them in between each toe.

Anyway, this morning I decided to take the Colgate to them! Now they smell and feel minty fresh, I can't believe I've never done this before.

The only minor irritation was the little bit of grittiness when I brushed my teeth afterwards.

The other thing I've noticed is that my toes seem to be a bit on the loose side and there are some gaps between them, so the next time I see my dentist I'm going to ask him if he thinks they need braces.

Apologies!

2008-09-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

The other day I bumped into an elderly gentleman at the supermarket, causing him to drop his ear wax remover. He was quite embarrassed and I begged his pardon for my clumsiness. Afterwords though it seemed to be weighing heavily on me. I couldn't stop feeling down about what had happened.
Finally I ended up seeing my doctor about it and he diagnosed me with Post Pardon Depression.

Wash did you shay?

2008-09-24T02:11:00.000-07:00

I was in a discussion a few days ago with some people and a girl used the term divine intervention 'You mean where we confront God about his drinking problem?' I asked.

Statistix.

2008-09-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

My thesis in university was on statistics. I was shocked to find in my studies, that over 78 percent of fatal accidents resulted in death!

What is happening to society?

Hail, Seizure!

2008-09-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

I was dying for some hot chocolate once but had run out of milk and it wasn't the kind to be made with water and the only liquid I had that came close to the thickness of milk was some Mott's Clamato Juice. Well, I boiled it up and added the cocoa and realized that Rum didn't seem appropriate so I added some Vodka.

I had invented the Hot Chocolate Caesar!

I have to admit it tasted sickening at first but after I polished off the Vodka, the hot chocolate didn't seem so bad.

Childhood memories...ahhh.

2008-09-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

My father was a harsh man.

We always had to sit at the table to eat, as much as I begged to eat in the corner off the floor, he would never let me. He was strict about a lot of things. Take school for instance, I wanted so much to run behind the bus until I fell to the ground in exhaustion, but it never happened, I always had to ride comfortably inside, ALL THE WAY TO SCHOOL!

At Halloween, I remember having to stay up all night, unwrapping every single one of my candies and hiding them under the bed to make it look as if I had been enjoying them all, by morning. I was so tired the next day.

I can't even talk about Christmas, I always start crying and shaking with anger. What kind of a sick man would force so many toys on a child, year after year after year? I would cringe at the sound of him calling us downstairs to see the massive pile of presents. I regarded Santa as a man just as twisted as my father.

I've tried over the years to let go of the memories but it's hard. Dad has been trying to make up for what he did, all those years ago, by yelling at me now and slapping me in the face when I see him, but it's too little too late.

Still...I have to put that incredible childhood behind me for good!

I dig archeologists!

2008-09-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

I think archeologists are amazing, I have an incredible respect for them and what they do.

When I was little, I always looked up to them and their tireless work. They search through the soil of ages uncovering ancient secrets and bringing all the knowledge and understanding of the great ancient cultures for our enlightenment. I admire them all.

Except for the guy that brought back that pissed off mummy who almost strangled me to death at the haunted museum.

He sucks!

Sundeck!

2008-09-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

Probably one of the most painful things to ever happen to me was when my head hit that large rock.

The rock was sitting on the bank below the sundeck, boy the fall was a long one! It must've been the eleventh time that I had fallen from the sundeck over the years and frankly, I was getting frustrated by it. My body was covered in cuts and bruises, you know the kind that really hurt? At first, I thought that they must've been from hitting all the sharp branches on my way down but as I lay there, with my head against the blood soaked rock, I realized that they weren't from the branches at all, they were actually caused by my financial situation. It was then and there that I decided to change my life and pay the boss of the two large men who had thrown me off!

I name thee?

2008-09-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

Over the years I've thought a lot about Adam and all the work he had to do naming all the animals. He really doesn't get enough credit for doing that and let's not forget Eve's help...

Adam and Eve are spending the day naming things when a large antlered animal appears from the woods...

Adam: I NAME THEE ANT!

Eve: That's a bird, stupid.

Eve waits on shore as her husband comes to the surface of the water out of breath...

Eve: Adam, why don't we call it a day?

Adam: We? I'm the one who's been freezing my butt in here, naming all this s$#t. I don't even know how to swim for #$%$ sake!

Eve: Whatever, let's go, my wheatgrass is probably wilting!

Adam: Alright already! I saw something on the bottom let me grab it and we'll head home.

Adam dives under and reappears moments later.

Adam: (gasping) Look at this thing! Can you believe it? Where does He come up with this s@#t?! Oh well,... I NAME THEE, uh... SHRIMP!

Eve: (laughing) When did you come up with that one, in the shower?!

Adam: (looking very exasperated) You're hilarious, OW!!

Eve: what happened?!

Adam: The $%@#$n' thing just bit me!

Frankenfriend.

2008-09-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

Reading Frankenstein was a life changing experience for me.

As soon as I put the book down, I was off to the cemetery, to dig up a new friend! I must've dug up every single plot but they had all deteriorated to the point of uselessness, how was I supposed to electrocute a skeleton to life?

Well, I was about to give up when I remembered that my neighbours son had lost his pet gerbil and buried in the backyard the day before, I was on my way!

I crept into their backyard, looked for the burial spot of the resting gerbil and dug him up. He was small, stiff and covered in dirty, matted hair. But I envisioned a fantastic friend.

I quickly took him home and set him gently on a piece of paper towel that I'd laid out on the kitchen counter. I put some warm water in the sink and taking some dish soap, began to clean his dirty matted fir. I wanted him to feel clean and fresh when he came back to life. After he was all cleaned I dried him off with more paper towel and took him outside to the garage. I put him on the hood of my car and after putting on my goggles, took the ladder out and set it against the eaves of the house. I went, picked up my little friend and ran him up the ladder to the roof. I tied him, as softly as I could, to the end of the satellite dish and sat back waiting for the life giving bolt of lightning.

I waited and waited and waited. Finally, three weeks later, it came, streaking out of the stormy night sky and charging the little gerbil with thousands of volts of electricity!

I drew close and watched as the little black eye of my new rodent friend opened up.

"IT'S ALIVE!" I yelled, "IT'S ALIVE!, HA, HA, HAAA!!"

I drew close and whispered into the ear of my furry friend. "Hello, my little buddy."

He looked at me for a long time and then said in a very teeny, tiny voice, "Squeak, squeak, squeak!"

My hopes for a close friend vanished, I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

Sweet ride...:)

2008-09-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

I still think about the first car I ever owned.

It was a red 64 Impala, in perfect condition, or so I thought. When the guys saw it, their jaws dropped, it was a sweet looking ride. I had it for quite a long time and made some incredible memories with it.

But that being said it had some major problems. For one the steering was incredibly stiff, I figured it was a loose belt, but I'm no mechanic so I had no idea! The doors were jammed to so I had to enter through the window, which was an unbelievable pain and there were SO many times that I ended up pushing the bloody thing home...I had enough, that was it.

I ended up selling it for 15 cents to a friend...

Screw you Mattel!!!!!

Never again Groper!

2008-09-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

The wettest place on earth is directly underwater.

I found that out the first time I went skinny diving. If you've never heard of skinny diving, it's a form of skin diving but you're semi-naked. I say semi-naked due to the fact that you're wearing a mask, tank and flippers. The crotchlings are exposed though and this is a dangerous thing when skinny diving with that deadliest of hunters...the Giant Largemouth Groper.

It's an intensely terrifying experience to have a Giant Groper come from behind and attach its massive, slimy lips onto your naked round cakes. I know of what I speak.

I've had to go for counseling since it happened to me 13 years ago. Part of its hickey can still be seen and so I've had to put an end to my beloved whale tail.

I miss my low rise jeans.

Let's go trains!

2008-09-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

I've thought a lot about trains over the years.

The problem I have with them is that they're so slow compared to other forms of transportation. Also, there's all those miles and miles of track that litter the pristine landscape. If I were in charge of things I'd redesign them so that they're much more efficient at getting to where they're going. First of all I'd streamline the body of the train so that it's more aerodynamic, that box shape just isn't conducive for speed. Then I'd add a wing on each side and maybe a tail on the back (I've always liked tail). Finally I'd equip them with some kind of jet engines instead of those old fashioned diesel ones they use. If these design properties were augmented to the train it would revolutionize train travel...in a big way.

The added bonus is that then they wouldn't have to go through those dark, scary tunnels anymore!

Abducted?

2008-09-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

The alien startled me when he entered my room that night.

Right away, I figured that he had come to abduct me so I quickly thought of what I need if it was an overnighter...clean underwear, socks, toothbrush...I was starting to get excited at the prospect of a trip!

My visitor stood there in the dark, wavering and after a while asked me if he could have a drink. I answered sure, though I was worried about his flying afterwards. I took him downstairs and asked him what he'd like and he said Crown Royal with ice, I poured two and we sat on the couch. Now in the light I noticed his large eyes were quite red, my suspicions were right...he'd already been drinking.

He leaned back and spread his arms out on the back of the couch, drink in one hand and rotating his neck as if it were stiff and needed a stretch. "Holy s**t, my necks sore, what a #$@%ing night." I was uncomfortable with his foul language but tried not to make any judgments about his character yet. He looked over at me and asked if he could light up. I told him I usually don't let people smoke in the house but he was a special visitor and seeing as it was chilly out and he was wearing no clothes I said it was alright. He smiled saying I was good people and lit his cigarette as I went to retrieve an ashtray. Luckily I had one.

The smoke was red and smelled like feta cheese. I told him that was a curious smell. "You like?" he said as he held in a breathful of smoke.

I didn't want to be rude, so I just told him it was different. He seemed that he just wanted to relax so we sat in silence while he enjoyed his smoke. After a while he shook his glass and the ice tinkled in it, then he looked at me, cigarette between his teeth and squinting from the red smoke drifting up his face, he smiled, "I like that. Pretty noise."

I agreed and he looked at it again, shook it a bit more and chuckled to himself.

Finally I asked him if I should go pack some overnight things but he waved his hand, "Don't worry about that s**t yet, lets just BS for a bit."

Then he started to talk. He told me that before he left for the office he had a huge fight with his girlfriend and that he was thinking that he'd done her wrong. She was pressuring him to move in with her, so as to save on rent but he liked the bit of freedom he had but was now regretting what he'd said. I was itching to be abducted so I just commented that I was sorry to hear that and asked if he wouldn't mind me getting some things while he finished his drink. He got offended.

"You're just like those little pricks on Venus! You're all the same!", he said, then he began complaining about the different races he had to deal with. Which ones were Jerks to deal with, which ones had terrible breath and which ones were just plain stupid. Then he slammed his glass down threw his butt in the fireplace and walked to the front door, grumbling cusses as he went. The last thing I heard from him was something about Uranus and with that he slammed the door and was gone.

I heard the sound of lift off and ran to the window to see his saucer rise up shakily and bang into a couple of trees before zooming away. I ran to the phone and dialed 911 to report a drunk flyer. The police arrived a short while later and I invited them in. I told them in detail everything that had transpired and they listened intently. Then they saw the two glasses on the table.

I found out that my visitor had a previous DUI conviction and was apprehended that same evening. I also found out that it is illegal to furnish alcohol to pilots and was arrested as well. I felt quite depressed at how the night had turned out but then I realized, sitting in the cell at the police station that it wasn't all that bad.

In my own little way, I did get abducted!

Meatloaf, meatloaf, I love meatloaf!

2008-09-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I had some friends over for dinner.

I had decided to make a meatloaf, since it's such a beloved dish. Everyone was enjoying the cabernet as my meatloaf gently roasted in it's savory juice. I chuckled as a shout for another bottle of red caused me to move quickly and serve. Everyone laughed as Amy spilt wine on her white blouse as she flirted with Joan's husband Frank.The rich sent of the broiling loaf drifted into the room of my jovial guests, causing Doug to ask in that funny way of his, "Where's this @#$%@ing loaf?!"

"Patience Doug, my friend!" I said with a chuckle as he shoved me into the buffet. I gave a smile at the fork hitting me in the back of the head as I returned to the kitchen. I felt blessed to have such wonderful friends.

The delicious smell of the ketchup lathered loaf was intoxicating. I peered into the oven window and watched in rapture at it's crispy-topped, red-coated goodness. I loved my loaf.

Shouts of "LOAF NOW!" cascaded from the dining room, and I heard a glass smashing against the wall. We all laughed heartily!

I felt Franks's arm wrap around my throat as he came up behind me, "It's coming, my friend!" I managed to choke out as he threw me against the counter, grabbed another bottle and stormed out of the kitchen. "This is what life's all about, dear friends and wonderful conversation!", I thought to myself as I gathered my breath.

The buzzing of the timer was lost in the sound of the screams and shouts of my fighting guests, my loaf was calling to me. The scent of precious loaf rose into my nostrils, causing me to momentarily forget the cozy sounds of the foul language and fist hitting cheek. Amy ran crying into the kitchen grasping her torn, wine stained white blouse, her face covered in fresh scratches from Joan's long razor sharp false nails. "Are you ready for a taste sensation?!" I asked her as she fell sobbing to the floor.

I placed my steaming loaf onto the serving tray and looked longingly at it. It felt as if my dreams were finally coming true. A hilarious drunken Joan came stumbling into the kitchen, banging her head on an open cupboard door and passing out on the floor beside her bawling friend. The familiar sounds of shouts, breaking glass and cracking wood from the next room took my thoughts back to my childhood. I smiled.

I was suddenly brought back to the present as I realized that my loaf was waiting, it needed one more loving touch. Pepper!

Ahhh, my favourite spice, I thought to myself as a chair leg flew into the sink. I was reminded of Matthew Lotti's quote, "So for Man, he is out to pepper his daily activities with different things-he's fighting against boredom.". I opened the spice cupboard and my jaw dropped...I was out of pepper.

Frank and Doug wrestled into the kitchen, bloody from beating each other and no doubt hungry from their traditional dinner party struggle. "Hang on boys!" I told them as I searched in vain for some evidence of the beloved spice. No sign, I was in trouble.

Chuck and his girlfriend brought their evening spat into the familiar fray as I tried to think of how to save my beautiful loaf. Then the spark of genius hit and I opened the lazy susan, pepper spray!

I quickly grabbed the can and sprayed the liquid pepper gingerly over the ready loaf. The sight brought tears to my eyes. Taking the tray I turned to my jumble of guests and they all stopped in awe. Tears began running down their cheeks as well and the emotion of the moment caused me to choke. I could see that it was overwhelming to them as well, the joyous revelry came to a stop and tears rolled down their faces as they coughed and choked with deep feeling. I had made more than a loaf, something much more.

I had made a token of love.

Power of the subconscious...ooh yeah, baby.

2008-09-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a very powerful book, it's called The Power of the Subconscious Mind by Eaton Farnarkle.

I've been wanting to tap into the power of my subconscious since I was 8 1/2, so when I spotted this book at the shop, I was pretty excited! It cost a bit more than I was wanting to spend but I took the plunge and splurged. When I got home I couldn't wait and I imediately dove right into chapter one and read and read. Half way through chapter two, I started to feel a bit peckish but I had to keep on reading, I was determined to release all the power of my subconscious mind.

Well, as I kept on reading, my hunger seemed to grow. At the end of chapter six my stomach was growling and by the start of chapter 13, it was in a full roar.

I couldn't take it anymore and the next thing I know I'm in my car and I'm driving to get some food!

The rest was just a blur. I don't remember anything, except for waking up on the floor of the local Subway restaurant covered in bits of pepperoni, lettuce and cheddar cheese.

THE BOOK WORKED!!!

Bone!

2008-09-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Everything seemed to start after I had some Tortellini soup. My back began hurting like crazy and I was sure that a piece of the pasta had lodged itself in my back. Well, it was getting really bad so I ended up biting the bullet and driving myself to the emergency room of the local Hospital. I told them about the tortellini soup and how much pain my back was in and that I was thinking there was a piece of the tortellini stuck in it somewhere. Of course I had to wait as usual, the pain was so intense I thought I was going to throw up, I kid you not.
Anyway, I finally end up in one of the beds and this young doctor comes in and starts asking me all these questions about my back, how long had it hurt, does it hurt when I move it...nothing at all about the soup!
But then I start realizing that I've had back pain for as long as I can remember and it does hurt the more I move it!
So I'm thinking to myself where's this guy going with all this. We're just going to do some scans, he says and leaves. Next thing I know I'm getting a CT scan of my back and I'm back in the bed, waiting. That's really the worst part I find, don't you? Waiting for the results I mean?
So he finally comes back but this time with a back specialist and now I'm getting worried. I start thinking, great, they're going to tell me that they can't get the pasta out of my damn back! Well, the doctor introduces me to the specialist and then tells me flat out that it wasn't the pasta that was causing all the pain, it is something a little more serious, he says.

Your back is full of bone.

Can you believe it?! From my neck all the way down the centre of my back...chock full of !@#$%ing bone!

Holy crap! I'm obviously in shock, right? How long has it been like that I ask, we think you were probably born with it, he says.

Now I'm getting pissed off. Everyone knows about my back problems, how could they not when I'm constantly bitching about it. So why on earth didn't someone think to look before?! You'd think my mum would have noticed something was wrong when I was little? But it was always, oh you have to eat more carrots or you have to exercise more...which made it worse!

Anyway, so what are my options I ask, like what do we do?! Oh, we'll have to remove it, of course, he says! Like he was going to take the &*#$%ing dog for a walk!

Yeah, it'll be a bit tricky the whole centre of your back is completely lodged with bone.

Well I figured that! Just get it the @#$%k out of my back, I'm in pain here.

Well, it's going to have to be done in Vancouver, we can't do that sort of thing here.

And to be honest, I didn't want them to do it here, I'd trust the vet clinic before I'd trust the local hospital!
How long will this be? I ask. Well there's a waiting list he says...7 years.

It turns out there's a whole lot of people with this condition.

But the good news is, he says, is that 92% of the patients recover without any pain whatsoever!

That's great, but what am I supposed to do in the mean time? What do I about this pain, I ask.

You're going to have to go on a strict diet of tortellini soup, he says.

I swear to God if I'd had a gun, I would have gut shot him right there.
Then he asks if I have any children. Yes, a little girl, I answer.

Oh well, we're going to have to look at her as well, this sort of thing is usually passed on from the parents, he says.

I felt sick.
I can deal with myself well enough, but my little one?
There are exceptions though, so don't worry just yet, he says. Gee, I'll try not to do that. what a stupid thing to say!

How does she seem to you, he asks. Well, she doesn't seem to have any bone she's pretty rubbery actually, I say

That's good, a very good sign, he says.

So anyway, here I am trying to digest all this information...
When will things just be normal.

Strangers in the afternoon, exchanging glances, yay!

2008-09-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever had that unsettling feeling that I'm being watched?

I had it last week. I had stopped in the lobby of the apartment to get the mail. As I was sorting through all the bills I suddenly felt odd, like there was someone there watching me. I looked over my shoulder and around the lobby but there was no one there.
I went over to the little trash can to throw in the bills when I felt it even stronger. When I looked to my right, there at the end of the hall a guy was staring at me, I knew I wasn't going crazy!
It was the strangest thing I've ever felt, he just stood there staring at me. I asked him If I could help him but he didn't answer, he just kept on staring. At this point I was getting concerned, we have a lot of elderly tenants in our building and I thought I'd better go talk to this guy. Then I thought maybe I should use my cell phone and call 911; who knows what may happen here as I go talk to him.
I paused, phoned 911 and began talking to a very nice person on the other end. I told her what was happenning and that I was about to approach the guy to talk. She asked me to wait and give her a description of the guy. I told her as best I could what he looked like, around 5'8 I figured, with dark hair, a nondescript sort of a guy a little creepy actually. She told me not to approach him just in case he had some 'problems' and that unfortunately there was nothing they could do. I was disappointed to say the least and after getting off the phone decided to go confront him. He started approaching me as well and for a second I thought, 'here we go!'.

The two of us were almost face to face when I realized he looked frighteningly similar to me! The I realized I was looking straight into the hallway mirror! Well I was so cheezed off that I told myself to hit the road and that if I EVER see myself in that hallway mirror again I'm going to take matters into my own hands...and it won't be pretty!

Peanut butter trees...mmm, mmm good!

2008-09-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

So, I had a stupid thing happen today.

I had bought a jar of organic peanut butter the other day, which was expensive, so I thought, why don't I get myself a peanut butter tree and grow my own peanut butter instead of spending ridiculous amounts on the pre-jarred kind. Well, I jump in my car and scoot down to the nursery and ask one of the clerks to show me the peanut butter trees. He looks at me oddly, as if I'm crazy and tells me there's no such tree. So I correct him by telling him that he just hasn't heard of them (I'm cutting this guy some slack) but he insists that there are no peanut butter trees, he tells me that peanut butter is made from peanuts and that they grow in the ground. Of course I'm trying not to laugh at this point but I keep a straight face and tell him I'll be right back. So I run back home, grab my jar of organic peanut butter and race back to show him.

He looks at the jar and asks what the point of me bringing it was, so I ask him to look long and hard at the label and tell me what on it really jumps out at him (pointing to the all too obvious word organic). He then proceeds to tell me that organic just means that the peanuts were made without pesticides or some idiotic thing and now I'm starting to get a bit frustrated. I try to tell him without being condescending that organic means a growing thing, LIKE A TREE but he doesn't want to listen to me. He says that he's busy and goes off to help some other customers.

So, I'm standing there just dumbfounded but then I realize that this is typical of a small town, you know? In small towns you'll always find people who resist growth.